dani (danializabeth) wrote in self_injury,

Weight is lifting away slowly

So this is my first time being open about this to anyone, i am 27 years old and i have been cutting myself for about 10 years now. I havent been cutting myself  much as i used but still do. I hate doing this to myself, i have so many scars all over myself. I cant even ware short sleeve shirts because people ask me about the scars and than i just have to lie about how they got there.
 My Fiance gets mad at me because he knows im doing it but i have never come out and said i am, i deny it.
 I also tried to kill myself by taking an assortment of pills a few year ago, i just got very fucked up and it lasted 3 days. Nobody knows i did that. When i look over my life as far back as i can remember, i have always been depressed. It seems like every few years something shitty happens and i feel this way all over again and again or i just get down remembering the past.
 I do feel happy most of the time now but im still scared i'll get back to the way i used to be, some of the time i just feel anger.
I have a good life now but really my Fiance is a bit controlling and has been very violent in the past. He has changed and has not been violent for about 2 years now, I would say our relationship is really good now, were best friends yet still i have theese secrets!
 The first time i had sex i was raped, sex didnt mean love to me untill i met my fiance, i used to sleep around alot because i didnt care about myself and thought sex was all guys wanted from me.  When ever i would have sex i was high or drunk or both because i kept replaying that awful night in my head and i felt disgusting and dirty, i had to be high to have sex. Really the only man that has ever respected me is my Fiance, we didnt sleep together for almost 2 months into our relationship and that was his idea, he wanted it to be special.
I love him very much and he has helped me through alot of thing as i have for him over the past 10 years and that is why i want to come out with all this to him...no more secrets!
   Do you think i should tell him about theese things or no? What should i do?
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