hang_in_there (hang_in_there) wrote in self_injury,

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I know its not healthy, but I don't care, but I do. I want it to consume my life, but I don't.
Part of me wants to be this skinny, beautiful, delicate little twig; fragile and sickly and weak; someone needed to be protected. my idea of beauty. I want to control and purge and restrict, be light and airy.
But part of me knows its stupid; I AM SKINNY; I'm 5'4'', 120 lbs. I enjoy having energy. I enjoy wrestling my 230lbs. boyfriend and winning. I don't want some stupid thing like that to consume me; i've got far more important things.
So I'm just trying to find a happy medium. Thats all.
I have a bad tendency to starve when I'm depressed, eat when I'm happy. Neither one is good; when I'm happy, I feel so good I could eat a bucket of ice cream. But when I'm depressed I starve; I make myself suffer so everyone sees my pain. So I guess in that aspect I have a depression triggered eating disorder? I dunno.
Sometimes I feel like a failure, a loser who won't do it because she can't handle it. That if she really wanted it, she'd stop being such a pig. But then I have to say to myself; "dude, you're 120 lbs."
Sometimes thats good enough for me; sometimes its not.
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